Rubber meets the road

In my last post I wrote about not working full time and my worries about rest and how I would use my time. What's been on my mind the last few days has been another frequent worry, MONEY.

The hubby and I were pretty good at communicating about our finances even before we were married and sat down with a financial planning friend about a month after the wedding to get everything joined together. But a couple days ago we had to take a serious look at our finances and see how we were going to do this on one consistent salary. A very humbling afternoon.

And then yesterday, my car overheated on the interstate. Right now I'm waiting for the call from the dealership and praying. A lot.

I've struggled with trusting God to provide ever since college. The first verse I memorized was Matthew 6:34. "So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have trouble of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today."

Did God provide for me in college? Yes. Has He provided for my needs before and after that? Yes. Did it mean that I sometimes had to sacrifice things I wanted to take care of things that were needed? Yes. Do we have support from friends and family that could help in emergencies? Yes. Will I be able to take it with me? No.

So why do I still worry?

The psalm from Mass today, 68, says, "A bountiful rain you showered down, O God, upon your inheritance; you restored the land when it languished; Your flock settled in it; in your goodness, O God, you provided it for the needy."

I came across this blog post today, another reminder from God about the blessings of poverty.
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/the-blessings-of-poverty?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+NCRegisterDailyBlog+National+Catholic+Register#When:2011-06-7

God, help me in my unbelief.

Third Time's a Charm

But at least this time, the blog I started still exists!

Yes, it's been 10 months since I last posted. In the meantime, I set up and dismantled 2 classrooms in a new school, moved twice myself, and got married, so the blog was put on the back back burner.

But hopefully I'm going to have more free time to post, so I'm hoping I can get into a routine of writing; I'm inspired by my dear friend at http://beanonparade.blogspot.com.

Not only is it summer and school's out, but my new hubby and I decided that I'm not going to work full-time in the fall. It's been frustrating this semester to try and keep things together at home and at work, so we're hoping that I'll be able to take better care of everything with more time at home, and be less stressed doing it.

The morning of day one this plan sounds great. Right now it's like any another summer. We'll see how I'm doing come August. We both feel this is where God is leading us, but the thought of a lot of free time makes me a little nervous. I pray that my time will be filled with rest and I will respond to what God wants me to do and not just give myself tasks so I feel productive.

One of the routines I want to get into is going to Mass during the week. The gospel I heard today from John 16 says, "But when he comes, the Spirit of truth, he will guide you in all truth." The reflection I read from Archbishop Luis Martinez really speaks to my hope for this transition:

"As the artist is not content with explaining to his pupil the secrets of art, but takes the uncertain hand of the beginner, and gently but firmly moves and guides it in order that the beauty of his ideal may be expressed on the canvas, even thus does the Holy Spirit takes our faculties and move and guide them, so firmly that they do not stray, and at the same time so gently that our activities continue to be vital, spontaneous, and free."

Feast Day

Today is the feast day of the patron saint of this blog, St. Martha. The first reading from Mass is one of my favorites, Proverbs 31, the wife of noble character. It was interesting to read it as an engaged woman this time and see how it connected to Jesus's encounter with Martha in Luke 10. When I've talked to married women and read books that refer to Proverbs 31oftentimes the feeling is of frustration. This capable wife is like superwoman; she has a successful career, takes care of her children, servants, the poor, and makes her husband look good. It seems like she never sleeps. In the real world, women are always battling that balance between career and family, and even if they don't work outside the home, struggle with trying to keep it all together. So then why would this chapter be paired with the story of Martha, who is trying to do the same thing, and Jesus admonishes her for it?

As always I have to remember what is the heart behind what I do, is it to honor God or myself? When Martha complains to Jesus about her sister, it's really about her and her needs not being met (v.40); she's so distracted with busyness that she forgets what all her tasks were supposed to be about. I was reminded of this on Monday. I had an opportunity to do some work out of town this and next week and was scrambling to find the time to prepare for it as the new school year is quickly approaching and I have two new classrooms to set up, along with other responsibilities at home. This job ended up being cancelled and it frustrated me a little; it's work I enjoy doing that would help give me more experience in some future career goals, and of course it's extra money. But now I'm so glad I didn't have to do it. There is almost no way that I could have gotten all my work done at school and home and stay sane. These next few months of moving twice, starting a new job, and getting married are going to require me to spend more time than ever at the feet of Jesus. And verse 30 at the end of Proverbs 31 gets to the heart of this capable wife's work-"...but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." That is why she does it all, where she gets her energy and motivation, why she is beloved by her family.

It's not all about me.

Pruning

In my short-lived first blog I did a post about the crazy-growing plant in my living room. Being a science teacher and my mother's daughter, I am pretty observant of the natural life around me (see previous posts), that and it's summer and I'm at home more often to pay attention. My garage apartment becomes a mini greenhouse in the summer because I don't run the AC often due to being cheap (I am also my father's daughter) and I get cold so easily. So the warm temperature and lots of windows makes my plants very happy. But instead of just growing taller it's starting sprout vines along the floor. My pictures don't do it justice. Something that I've noticed though is that as new leaves are created I have to remove a few dead yellow ones. They don't all make it, because in order for the plant to stay alive and have enough nutrients it has to get rid of what's draining it of available resources.

John 15:1-2 "I am the true vine and my Father is the vinegrower. He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit He prunes to make it bear more fruit."

A friend of mine told me yesterday that being married is like having a mirror in front of you all the time, your spouse reflects back everything about you, good and bad. In my single years I prayed that God would put me in a relationship if that is what would make me more holy, and I got what I wanted. My fiance and I recently spent 6 days traveling together and I learned a lot about my day-to-day selfish tendencies. Yesterday we weren't even together but after reflecting on a phone conversation we'd had I was humbled yet again by the sacrifices he is making for us and our future while I still often live in single-mode thinking of myself.

Just as I prune my plant to make it grow healthier and stronger, God is pruning my heart to prepare me for my upcoming marriage.

Nesting

Living in the middle of the city does not lend to many opportunities to see wildlife, so I've been pretty excited about what I've been observing lately right outside my door. A mama robin recently decided to build a nest in the gap between the drain pipe and outside wall of my apartment. For the first few days, there was just a mess on the ground below of what materials didn't stick together. But now, every time I leave or come home, I look up to see her sitting on her eggs, waiting for them to hatch.

Here's that ongoing theme of patience coming back to me again. I've been engaged for just under a month now and in that span of time, the fiance and I have managed to get a lot planned, despite my constant telling people that I wasn't going to do anything until after my school year was over. Things just kept coming up that we "had" to take care of right away. At this point I feel like he and I are pretty settled into this engaged couple routine, and everything we do together is building toward this greater purpose of marriage that isn't going to be official for another 6 months. And it is already really hard to wait. Now that we have this end goal (which is actually a new beginning) in sight, it's hard to not rush things along, hence all the planning we've already done.

But we're never going to have this time of engagement again. It's time for us to continue to get to know each other better and prepare ourselves spiritually and mentally for what will be an incredibly joyous and trying season as newlyweds.

1Corinthians 13:4-5 "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful..."

As I look up at that little bird, I think of how boring it would be to just sit there, day after day, waiting until the eggs start to hatch. But if she wasn't there, those eggs wouldn't be able to hatch in the first place, they need her warmth to develop the life within. What a symbol of sacrificial love.

Chicken Little

I just got back from shoe shopping and a mani/pedi. Rough life, right?

I didn't enjoy it at all.

I am getting my engagement pictures taken this evening, and the shoes I was going to wear I discovered were literally hanging onto my feet by a thread. But because I was afraid of being late, I had to rush through picking out a replacement with really enjoying the hunt like I normally do. That wasn't the really stressful part, though.

I was sitting in the massage chair being taken care of by two different people, and instead of just relaxing and being excited about getting photos taken that I really never expected to have, I'm glued to the local news, worried that storms that are four hours north of Dallas are going to come here and ruin this evening. I have been worried about this since last night and probably won't be able to relax until we're actually in the middle of the shoot. Oh, and I was also worried about my car getting towed most of that time.

Unfortunately, this gives you of just a glimpse of the worries running through my brain since I got engaged 2 weeks ago. Instead of enjoying this exciting time where I get to be showered with gifts, shop, decorate, primp, be with family and friends, and prepare for the Sacrament of Marriage to the most wonderful man, I have been paralyzed by all these "what if" scenarios. And every time one passes, a new one takes it's place. There are countless things that could go wrong between now and December, and I will literally go crazy before then if this keeps up.

I know what Satan is trying to do. He knows my difficulties in trusting God. He's distracting me with lots of tasks and responsibilities that keep me from rest. But this time is more important than ever for me to cling to my Lord and believe His truth in preparing me to be a wife.

2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

A reason why I love being Catholic-

It's technically 3: the Easter Triduum. Despite 29 years of being a Catholic this is the first year I participated in all 3 services-Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter Vigil. I was thinking last night that if people, Christian or not, attended the Triduum they would want to become Catholic afterwards. It was such a wonderful way to culminate a really fruitful time of Lenten sacrifice. Yesterday I really got what the disciples must have felt on that Saturday, that anticipation of what was to come. I was so looking forward to the celebration of the Resurrection.

I've been to Holy Thursday Mass a few times before, but what was unique this time was that there were some children to get their feet washed by the priests. How special that must've been for them! If they're anything like me, priests are heroes, the celebrities of the church and to have them humble themself in that way would be so special.

We went to the Good Friday service at 3, the time when Jesus would've died. I think the Catholic Church more than any other really focuses on that day, all that happened to Christ, and you can't help but be moved when you kneel in front of the crucifix. The priest's homily went straight to my heart; he talked about how Jesus truly gave it all that day and that God calls us to the same. I know that I hold back, when I talk to others about my desires, and with God in my prayers (or lack of it). It's out of fear of disappointment, that if I put those feelings out there, I'm exposed and could get let down. I will experience pain sometimes, but then there's redemption to follow.

The Easter Vigil was amazing. At the beginning the church is darkness until our candles were lit, starting with the Easter candle, representing Christ as the light. We heard the stories of creation, Abraham, Isaac, and Moses, then the lights came on, the Hallelujah was sung and we heard of the empty tomb. I got to see about 30 people get baptized and come into the Catholic church, 7 of whom were children (including 2 I've been teaching). We all stood and applauded for them, just as I am sure they were celebrating in heaven. I worshipped while the choir sang from Handel's Messiah after communion.

Catholics know how to celebrate!

Today was spent enjoying great food, drink, and conversation with family and friends. I am so blessed. But I was talking to my boyfriend on the way home from a friend's house about tomorrow. I am totally on that God-high, like I feel after being on a retreat, but now I have to get back to the "real world" of my routine and work. How can I avoid going back into bad habits out of laziness and forgetfulness?

It reminds me of the Transfiguration (Matthew 17) and Peter's desire to hold onto that mountaintop experience. But God quickly steps in and commands Peter, James, and John to listen to His Son, who tells them not to be afraid. And that's the lesson I think. God gives us these amazing times where we should want to praise and glorify Him, but they are only temporary here on Earth. When we're off the mountain we need to follow what Jesus did and live in a trusting relationship with Our Father. I've learned so much during these last 6weeks and now I need to put it into practice.